I remember sitting in my car after a family gathering, gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turned white. I had just spent three hours smiling, nodding, and swallowing my pride while a relative made subtle digs at my career, my weight, and my life choices.
I felt drained. I felt angry. But mostly, I felt defeated because I let them get under my skin again.
If you are reading this, you probably know that feeling. Whether it’s a manipulative boss, a draining friend, or a judgmental family member, learning how to deal with toxic people is a survival skill we all need.
The truth is, you cannot control how others behave. But you have 100% control over how you react.
In this Life Record post, we aren’t just talking about theory. I’m going to share the psychological strategies and personal lessons that helped me go from “losing my cool” to protecting my peace.
Table of Contents
Identifying the Toxicity: Are They Truly Toxic?
Before we dive into solutions, we need to define the problem. Not everyone who annoys us is “toxic.” Sometimes, personalities just clash.
However, a truly toxic person is different. They don’t just annoy you; they deplete you. In my experience documenting human behavior for SoulDairy, I’ve noticed that toxic individuals usually fall into specific patterns.
Common Signs of Toxic Behavior:
- The Victim: Nothing is ever their fault; the world is always against them.
- The Judge: They criticize everything you do, disguised as “helpful advice.”
- The Gaslighter: They make you question your own reality (“I never said that, you’re crazy”).
- The Energy Vampire: You feel physically exhausted after talking to them.
Note: Toxicity exists on a spectrum. Some people are unaware of their behavior, while others are intentionally manipulative.
Why We Lose Our Cool (The Psychology)
Why is it so hard to stay calm when learning how to deal with toxic people?
It comes down to our brain’s biology. When someone attacks us verbally or emotionally, our amygdala (the fear center of the brain) gets hijacked. We go into “Fight or Flight” mode.
- The Trigger: They say something hurtful.
- The Reaction: Your heart races, and logic shuts down.
- The Regret: You snap back, yell, or cry—giving them exactly the reaction they wanted.
Understanding this mechanism is the first step to beating it. You aren’t weak for getting upset; you are biologically wired to react. But you can rewire that response.
Souldairy Post : Ultimate Dopamine Detox
How to Deal with Toxic People: 10 Proven Strategies
Over the last 10 years, through therapy and personal development research, I’ve curated this list of strategies. These are not just tips; they are shields for your mental health.
1. Set Boundaries (And Stick to Them)
Boundaries are not punishments for others; they are protection for you. A toxic person will always push until they hit a wall. You must build that wall.
- Say this: “I am happy to discuss this when you are calm, but I will not continue this conversation if you yell.”
- Do this: If they continue, walk away. Immediately.
2. The “Gray Rock” Method
This is my favorite technique for dealing with narcissists or drama-seekers. Imagine a gray rock on the ground. It’s boring. It’s uninteresting.
When you interact with a toxic person, become that rock.
- Give short, monotonous answers (“Okay,” “I see,” “Maybe”).
- Show zero emotion.
- Share no personal information.
If they can’t get a reaction out of you, they will eventually move on to a more interesting target.
3. Don’t J.A.D.E.
This is a golden rule in psychology circles. When dealing with toxic people, never:
- Justify
- Argue
- Defend
- Explain
They don’t want your explanation; they want your energy. Trying to make them “understand” your point of view is a waste of your breath.
4. Limit Your Exposure
You don’t have to answer the phone every time they call. You don’t have to stay at the party for four hours.
- Pro Tip: If you must see them, have an exit strategy. “I can only stay for 45 minutes because I have an appointment.”
5. Shift Your Mindset to Compassion (From a Distance)
This sounds counterintuitive, but it works. Happy, secure people do not tear others down. Toxic people are usually deeply miserable.
When I realized my critical aunt was actually projecting her own insecurities, her words lost their power. I didn’t pity her enough to let her hurt me, but I understood her enough to not take it personally.
6. Keep Your Cards Close to Your Chest
Toxic people use your vulnerability as ammunition.
- Did you get a promotion? They might minimize it.
- Are you struggling with a breakup? They might gossip about it.
Keep your wins and your losses private. Share them only with people who have earned the right to hear them.
7. Use “I” Statements
When you need to confront them, avoid “You” statements (“You always make me feel bad”). This invites a fight.
Instead, try: “I feel overwhelmed when voices are raised, so I’m going to step outside.”
8. Drop the Hope of Change
This was the hardest pill for me to swallow. You cannot change them. You cannot love them into being better people. You cannot argue them into logic.
Accepting them as they are frees you from the disappointment of expecting them to be different.
9. Build Your Support System
You need a “sanity check.” After an interaction with a toxic person, you might feel crazy. You need a trusted friend or therapist who can say, “No, you aren’t crazy. That behavior was unacceptable.”
Psychology Today - The Importance of Social Support
10. Focus on Solutions, Not the Problem
Toxic people love to dwell on problems. Don’t join them there. If they are complaining, ask, “So, what is your plan to fix that?”
Usually, they hate this question because they don’t want a solution—they want attention.
Special Scenarios: Work vs. Family
How to deal with toxic people changes depending on the environment.
At Work:
- Document Everything: Keep a paper trail of emails and interactions.
- Keep it Professional: Never get emotional. Stick to facts and data.
- Involve HR: If the behavior becomes harassment, use your documentation to file a report.
In the Family:
- Tradition isn’t an Excuse: Just because they are family doesn’t mean they have the right to abuse you.
- Control the Environment: Meet in public places where they are less likely to cause a scene.
Reflection: The “Am I Engaging?” Checklist
Sometimes, we inadvertently feed the beast. Before you react next time, ask yourself these 3 questions:
- Am I taking this personally? (Remember, their behavior is about them, not you).
- Am I trying to prove them wrong? (You won’t succeed, so stop trying).
- Have I set a clear boundary? (If not, do it now).
Key Takeaway: Your peace is more important than being right.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Can a toxic person change?
It is possible, but rare. It requires them to admit they have a problem and seek long-term therapy. Never base your happiness on the hope that they will change.
How do I deal with a toxic boss if I can’t quit?
Focus on the “Gray Rock” method. Be polite but uninteresting. Document all your work to protect yourself from blame. Build a life outside of work so your job isn’t your only source of validation.
3. Is it okay to cut off a family member?
Yes. Biology is not a binding contract to accept abuse. If a family member consistently damages your mental health and refuses to respect boundaries, stepping away is an act of self-care.
What if the toxic person is my spouse?
This is complex. Couples therapy is essential. However, if there is emotional or physical abuse, prioritize your safety and seek professional help immediately.
How do I stop thinking about them after the interaction?
Engage in a “pattern interrupt.” Go for a run, take a cold shower, or listen to loud music. Physically change your state to stop the mental loop.
Conclusion
Learning how to deal with toxic people is not an overnight fix. It is a practice. There will be days when you slip up and lose your cool. That’s okay. Be gentle with yourself.
Remember, you are the author of your own Life Record. Don’t let a toxic person hold the pen. You have the power to close the chapter, set the boundary, and choose your own peace.
What is your experience? Have you tried the “Gray Rock” method before? How do you handle difficult people in your life? Share your story in the comments below—I read every single one.